


Thoughts

by ShadowedFye



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 04:09:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 5,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17317826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowedFye/pseuds/ShadowedFye
Summary: This is a simple collections of things that are thought about. It is up to you the reader to decide if you believe that this is made up or real. It does not matter to me. I encourage  you to leave comments about any part of it. I will not stop the cursing though. Do not expect any kind of updating schedule. Enjoy!





	1. Chapter 1

I want to scream like 20% of the time. Today I said that something would be a pain in the ass to do and I got scolded. I mean what the hell? I guess that I was spoiled by my friends with how they do not care about all of my cursing. Dad told me that I should've thought of where to put the skull bow holder before we started making it. Dad I don’t expect you to remember, but the holder was your idea and I was all for keeping it simple, but you were the one who pressured me into making it into something more complex. I think that it would be interesting to get a therapist. I mean to be able to rant to someone that isn’t myself/laptop (biased) or my friends who are also biased. I can not talk to my parents because well do you know how weird it is to rant to someone about them. I think that I worry to much. I am the only person in my family that when technology isn't working doesn't just yell and scream at it. That is kind of sad now that I am thinking about it. I wonder what i could accomplish if I actually had the ability to stay interested in things for more then a year or two. I am such a horrible person and anyone who says different is either biased or just plain stupid. I have gotten into some new manga lately. They are called Satsuriku no Tenshi or Angels of Death and Illegal Rare which are both fantasy which y'all will soon learn is my favorite genre. See y'all later.


	2. 1/12/2019

Have you ever meet people and then you ave to repeat in you head that murder is illegal despite how justified it might feel. I hate those people too, but alas murder is still (unfortunately?) illegal.  
I have weirdly decided that I am going to recommend two or three manga along with every post. I may also recommend a show or movie, but it will typically be a manga. I guess that you could watch the anime too if the manga has one, but I will suggest reading the manga first if you can. I also may sometimes drop random references to other things such as manga, movies, or TV shows, so I guess keep an eye out for those.  
For today those suggested are Otoyomegatari or A Bride's Story and it is set in a Central Asian town in the early 19th century. The story is about a girl from a nomadic tribe that comes into town to marry a boy eight years her junior. Despite how bad that might sound they get along great and have a great relationship. The manga is rich with plot and the author spent many years doing the necessary research to make it as accurate as possible. It does not have that over the top flair that is associated with anime/manga if you do not like that. It also seems to have an anime adaptation.  
The next one is To You, The Immortal. This manga is heartbreaking to give you a fair warning. It is about an immortal being that came into life and has to find out what it is to live. I know this summary is shorter, but I can not help it. I do not know if this one has an anime adaptation, so if any of you know please let me know. Despite how heartbreaking it is this manga has beautiful art, an interesting plot and characters.  
I know that these summaries where longer then the ones in the last post, but I am proud that I was able to endorse them without giving away plot. Yeah, me!! I am hurting me fingers just writing this little tidbit and it has caused me to have an eternal respect for the authors who write super long chapters. I mean you people should be praised and gifted with, well gifts.  
I am working on an idea for a cosplay outfit based on the pokemon Zoroark and I am excited to see where that goes, because I can barely sketch (drawing costume ideas) and know the basics of sewing (making the damn thing).   
Wow I almost ,ade it through the entire post without cursing. Damn it.  
Welp, see Y'all later and until the next time.


	3. 1/14/2019

I feel like I am just ghosting through the day. I have only vague idea of what I am doing and my brain is filled with cotton. I am daydreaming more than usual. Sometime my vision just seems to fade in and out of focus. My brain is being pretty damn useless today. I mean more than normal. I love how my friends just go along with my random threats towards them and a few other people. It is entertaining.   
I love reading. Right now I am reading “The Count of Monte Cristo” which is a pretty entertaining book for having been originally written in 1846.   
My recommendations for the day are:  
Gabriel Dropout- This is the story of an angel who comes to earth and becomes obsessed with the internet and manga. She along with her no very demonic demon friends are going through high school and all of the craziness that fallows.  
Iris Zero- In this world each person has the ability to see something different with their eyes. This ability is called an iris. As you can probobly guess the main character does not have an Iris. He tries to go through life without being noticed until the most popular girl in school starts hanging out with him and then drags him along on crazy adventures. it is a lot of fun with small bursts of sadness.   
Addio, y'all and until next time!


	4. 1/16/2019

I am going to get so much hate for this, but you know what I do not give a fuck. So this is completely random, but I will never understand why people take so much offense to the word Negro. Okay hear me out before you start yelling. It is literally latin for Black. On a side not people back then had as much creativity for insults as I do naming characters which is to say none at all. Anyways I am not black, so maybe I am missing some kind of subtext here, but we have been told since kindergarten that we shouldn’t let words hurt us. Why does that change when you grow up. It is like someone insulting me by calling me Album (latin for white). It is a descriptive word so what is the point of getting angry when there are so many other things that are more worth your time and energy. On to other things like all of the rap songs written by black artists where they call themselves and others nigger. Is it alright or is it not, pick a goddamn side. I just think that we have to many issues in this world already without us getting angry about a damn word. I understand that black people have not and still do not have equal rights and that it was used to look down on them. Instead of getting all angry say fuck you and move on with your life. The best revenge is living well. That is just my rant about the daily bullshit that I like to argue with myself about.   
I live by the personal motto of ‘why the fuck should I care what you think of me and about anything that comes out of your damn mouth.’ It works pretty well actually and I have put the effort that i saved by not caring about their shit into writing my short stories, reading, and sketching. Well that motto and ‘don’t get your hopes up,’ but the other one is more positive and I am told people like that. Anyways why should I even give them the satisfaction of caring. After all bullies do it just to get a reaction out of you.   
If anyone is reading this feel free to argue with me. I like to argue/debate with people who aren’t my own brain.   
No recommendations today. I am too tired.


	5. 1/20/2019

I am too tired to deal with manga recommendations, but i am going to finally going to do some song recs. Here they are:  
If You’re Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins. It is a song about when things seem hard you have to keep moving. You can’t give up or you will be trapped. It is a good song and an original country song. It is not one of the modern pop country songs.

Pretty’s on the Inside by Chloe Adams. This a song that talks about how how you look on the outside isn’t all there is to a person. The title kind of gives and Idea about what this is about. I think that it is a good song for people who think bad about how they look. It helped me to feel better about myself.

The Doctor Says by Chloe Adams. This is about going through depression. I have so many songs about this that it would take hour to list them all, so I will list just two or three more songs. Anyways this song talks about how she feels empty, but her parents say that nothing is wrong because the doctor says that she is fine. It is sad, but also inspirational.

Inner demons by Julia Brennan. This is a song that has a very melancholy tone to it. It talks about the struggles that someone with depression goes through. It talks about how people ask her why she is just giving up. It is sad and it shows what it means to fight away those inner demons.

Brave by Sara Bareilles. This is the last song for tonight. This is a song that talks about how much impact someone's words can have on other people. It talks about when you see bullying that you can stand up or you just be a bystander. I think that it is a very inspirational song about standing up and understanding the power of someone's words.

This is the last of the recs for tonight. If you do end up listening to any of these let me know what you thought please. I want to apologize in advance if i rec anything be it songs/movies/TV shows/manga/anime more than once. I have really no way of remembering what I have and haven’t recommended yet. If you have any songs that you thing that I should listen too or and recs for anything in general then let me know and I will do my best to get back to you. Totsiens, y’all. Good night/morning


	6. 1/23/2019

I am so sick of people. I mean i know that I am not perfect and I know that there are some people out there that are trying to make a difference, but really people. Why do we have to all be so damn stupid. I looked into how history affects the media. Do you ever find it interesting that in Japanese media radiation makes monsters, but in American media radiation makes heroes. I just thought that was an interesting fact that has history behind it.

I have recommendations for both manga and songs today. I will start with the songs then move to the manga. Okay here we go:

Roundtable Rival by Lindsey Stirling. This is a music only song that is played on a electric violin with backup music. I highly recommend that if you do listen to this song that you watch the official music video. The video is so cool.

In My Blood by Shawn Mendes. This is another one of my songs about fighting depression. I told you that I had tons of them. Anyway this song is about how people keep telling him that things will be alright, but he wonders if it ever will be better.

People Are Good by Luke Bryan. This is a song about how no matter things look people are still good and people should look at all of the good things that people have done instead of ignoring them for the bad. I know that this kind of goes against my first paragraph, but I do not care.

Savages Nightcore Remake. This song is pretty much the opposite of the song above. This song talks about and questions whether cruelty is just another human trait. It is a unique song that has some good points, if not a bit sad to think about.

Now for the Manga ( I am starting to add the authors too). I am only doing one today.:

Arte by Ookubo Kei. This is the story of a girl who wants to be a painter during the renaissance. With people putting her down and with only a few people rooting for her. It is her journey. Still ongoing with slow updating.


	7. 2/3/2019

12:56 A.M  
I am a horrible person. We may have to put down the dog that we have had for almost 12 years and I feel nothing. My brain is blank and i feel nothing. I found a site that offers free therapy like things, so I am thinking of joining that. I wonder if it has something to due with my Epilepsy or my medicine, maybe. Or perhaps I am just a bad person. I mean there is still a 50% chance that she might be okay, but she is an old dog so who knows. My brother is crying his eyes out and I am just sitting here typing this out and feeling nothing. The only thing that I ever really seem to cry for is abused animals and fictional characters. I wonder what that says about me. 

I am working on a cosplay idea. I am going to be a human (obviously) Cheshire Cat. It is going to be so cool looking. The Con that I am planning to go to isn’t until like next winter, but it is good to get a head start. 

2:57 P.M  
We had to put her down. My brother offered to let me come and get kisses from her. I turned him down. I knew how much he loves/ed to get kisses from her and to take that from him in the last little bit that he had with her would have been selfish. I am trying to be less selfish. Someone at the clinic that we put her down at asked why in the waiting room why I was coloring in one of those adult coloring books instead of worrying like my brother was. I told him that it made me feel better. He asked why and my final reply was that “ I can’t control what happens to her, but i can control where the colors go.” He shut up after that.

I do have recs today and they are:

Oushitsu Kyoushi Haine/The Royal Tutor by Akai Higasa.  
This is the story of a tutor who comes to teach a bunch of princes. The tutor himself, Haine, works with each of the princes to bring out the best in each of them in order to help them find out what kind of king that they each want to be. The manga is still going, but the anime is over.

Gankutsuou by Gonzo.  
This manga is an adaptation of the book Count of Monte Cristo. It is set during the parade/festival part of the book, so about half way into the book. The colors are so vivid and it is set in a futuristic setting. It is an old manga, so the art style might be a little weird if you are not used to it. Both the anime and the manga are finished and the anime follows the manga faithfully.


	8. 4\15/2019

Everything is too loud. I hate it. Way can they not just express themselves without yelling. I am so tired of trying to drown it out with music. I hate the sound and I feel like crying all the time now. Everything hurts and I just want to scream. I need to find a place that I can go to when I feel like screaming. I have no place like that and I really need that. One of my friends has a therapist and it might be interesting to talk to someone without the baggage of living with them. I am playing with my fingers and talking to myself more and more often now. I feel less like myself and I am eating less. To think that I was so proud when I left school today and I was so excited to tell my dad about my grade on a math test and know I just want to curl up somewhere alone and turn the music up so that I can drown out the world. I feel like this because mom can't seem to express herself in any way that isn’t yelling. I hate that is why i am used to pushing down the feeling of tears. Even now I can feel them building in my chest and pricking at my eyes. I hate them. They leave physical marks of weakness. I think that I might let out my tears more often if they did not leave marks that were so identifiable. I am so numb all the time now. I loathe how much it hurts and the weakness that it implies. I just want to drown out the world, but I know that she will try and call me and if I do not respond she may yell even more in a way that I can’t drown out. I think that reading might help, but sometimes I just feel so tired. I am in direct sunlight, but I still feel cold. I wonder what that may mean. So scared. So tired. I will probably not be talking tonight at dinner. I don’t think that I am ready for their words yet. Mom will probably act like nothing's wrong and just forget about the whole thing. I wonder why that idea hurts so much. I wonder about a lot of things. I wish that I wasn’t so cold all of the time.


	9. 4/28/2019

Everything hurts and I hate it. They want me to watch a movie with them because they thought that I might find it interesting and they were right. The only problem is that my limit for the time that I can spend with people is past its limit. I was hoping to recharge it for a bit by eating dinner alone but the wouldn’t let me. I didn’t eat a lot today. I am sorry and I hope that they never forgive me. I don’t deserve it. I hope that they hate me. Dad can see that I didn’t want to stay around, but he couldn’t see that I was doing my best to hold back tears. I guess that I am just that good or maybe it was just because it was dark. I am sorry. I am sorry. My breath is hitching and I am telling myself that I am alone so it is okay to let the tears out, but it seems that I am still trying to hold them back. If you ever seen/watched KHR then I can best describe myself as a Cloud that is trying their best to be anything else. It isn’t working and I am sorry. I am sorry. I hope that they never forgive me. If you haven’t seen KHR then you should. Then you can maybe understand because I am going to make references to to it all of the time. I haven’t making any recommendations lately because it is already taking a lot of willpower to write this without screaming. I wish I could just curl up with my music on so loud that it drowns out everything else, but then if I do not respond if they call then they will just get more mad. I have tried to explain it to them before, but they just don't seem to get what I am saying. I have no real passions beside reading. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I am so pathetic. Maybe I am just not trying hard enough. Maybe I really am just ungrateful to them. They sound much happier now that I am gone and I am happy that they are. It might be a good idea to see a therapist, but that is too much money that I do not deserve for them to spend on me. I am sorry. Good thing that they can’t see the tear tracks in the dark. I really need to find a place that I can just scream. I love being alone in the house for that very reason. Because I can sing and dance anywhere. Because I can talk to myself outloud. Because the only noise is the noise that I want and that is just the way that I want it. Why do they love me. I really am just a waste of their money. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am just better off alone. I want to watch the movie with them so bad, but I just can’t without my breath hitching and me bursting out into tears. I wish I was like my brother who can spend lots of time with people and be happy. I think he might be a light Stormy Sky. I tried to stay and watch it with them by sitting farther away from them, but he kept telling me to get closer until he sent me away because he said that it was obvious that I wanted to leave. I was trying, I really was. I promise that I was. I am sorry. I guess that I didn’t try hard enough.It is never enough. Everything hurts and I hate it.


	10. 6/6/2019

Why can I not remember to just keep my mouth shut? It seems like every time that I open my mouth I will say something that will get me yelled at. Why don’t I just skip all of that and keep my mouth shut. The most current theory is that I am just stupid. I am such a asshole to people. Why do people even want to spend time around me? I think that they have just deluded themselves or something.

It has been a while since I did any kind of recommendations so I will put some in this entry. Remember that I am sorry if any are a repeat and please let me know what you think of the rec’s if you have seen/read/heard them.

Mademoiselle Noir (Song)- it is a short song that is sad. It has some bits that are french as you can tell from the title. It is sort of like a Rapunzel with a dark twist. Sorry for the bad summary it is hard to summarize this song.

The Willow Maid (Song)- This is made like a folk song and it tells the story of a willow dryad and a prince that hears her singing when he is wondering through a forest.

Maou-jou de Oyasumi (Sleeping Princess in the Demon Castle)(Manga)-this is a cute story about a princess who gets captured by demons in order to lure in a hero. The only problem with this plan is that the princess wants to find the most comfortable things so that she can get the best naps. She ends up terrorizing the demons in the castle to get what she wants.


	11. 6/

I do not know why, but I just feel like typing up recommendations today. There is nothing that I really have going on in my life that I feel the need to talk about. I just kinda want to talk about some things that I love and want to share.

 

Songs

The Doctor says by Chloe Adams - I love this song for its message of just because everything seems alright doesn’t mean that it is.

Inner Demons by Julia Brennan - I enjoy the way that she talks about experiences with depression and how she is almost calling out for help and how she is tired of people who don’t understand trying to tell her to get over it.

I bet my life by Imagine Dragons - I do not know why, but I just like the way it talks about a relationship with someone that you just do not want to admit. It is almost like a song that is apologizing and confessing at the same time.

Manga

Black Cat by Yabuki Kentaro - I love how this story has both a main character with an awesome friendship and amazing gunslinging skills. There is also an anime, but it differs greatly from the manga. This manga also has a good message about working for redemption.

Books

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman - This book is so awesome. I can sum it up as the world ends on Sunday and someone lost the antichrist. There is also a heartwarming friendship between an angel and a demon. There is also a TV short series on Amazon Prime that follows the book and the series was co-directed by the author of the book.


	12. 7/11/2019

So I don't feel anything wrong today. I just felt like writing something. It is kinda weird, but I almost felt like I had nothing better to do.

 

I have Epilepsy. I am not quite sure if I have mentioned that before. Well anyways I take medicine for it and it seems like the higher the dosage the more frequent seizures seem to get. We are looking at some other options now. I am not sure if it is the medicine, but some days I just feel so foggy. I doubt it though. I felt like this even before I took medicine.

 

I don’t have much else to talk about. I am taking more writing prompts. I promise nothing due to me having a lot of already written stories that I am working on editing and posting, so I make no promises that I will get to them, but it is cool to see what people come up with. I guess that you can just write them in the comments I guess.

 

I will get on with the recommendations now:

 

Songs

Outrunning Karma - Alec Benjamin. I have really no explanation for this. I just like the lyrics and the music.

Must have been the wind - Alec Benjamin. This song does have referenced abuse, so be warned. It is interesting how the song talks about him trying to subtly trying to tell her that she can lean on him if she needs it. I think that it is sweet and kinda sad.

If we have each other - Alec Benjamin. This is another one that I don’t really have an explanation for. I like that it tells a sweet story.

 

Books

In other worlds - Sarah Rees Brennan. It is a cool story that is almost a Isekai in book form. That is really the only way that I can think of it. There is a wall that separates our world and this magical world. Our protagonist is one of the few who can go across and is immediately horrified at the lack of technology in this world, and any tech that he brings shorts out and explodes. He is a snarky asshole and I love him.


	13. 7/21/2019

I have someone new that works with me and I don’t like her. I have no idea why though. It isn’t like she has done anything. I just don’t like her. I will just call her CW for short. Something about her just riles me up. Maybe it is because she does jobs that I usually do and it is riling me up. Who knows. Certainly not me.

 

I really have no other news. I have been told in the comments that therapy might be a good thing to get, but Mom just had an expensive medical treatment and they already do so much for me. Why would I ask for something that I don’t really need. I mean the average cost of a child therapist in the US is 75 to 200 dollars per session. That may not seem like a lot, but I personally think that it isn’t worth the trouble. Plus it would cut into time that I could spend reading.

 

 I do actually have some recommendations today:

 

Manga

Kemonotachi no Yoru by Shiomi Chika. This is an older manga, but I love it all the same. The female lead is a badass bitch that keeps surprising people with her strength. It is a love story and it is complete. I will not go into specifics, but it does have some supernatural elements and it is kinda sad. 

 

Millennium Snow by Hatori Bisco. This one is also complete. It is also a supernatural love story. It has a girl that was born with heart problems and is going to die soon. There is also a vampire that hates blood and a werewolf who are sorta competing for her, but mostly trying to make her last years happy ones.

 

Mahouka Koukou No Rettousei by Hayash Fumino and Satou Tsutomu. This one is still going and you guessed it a story with supernatural elements. The light novels are the original source material and are much farther along than the Manga or Anime. A lot of people don’t like this one because of the OP male lead and the implied incest, but what a lot of people don’t seem to understand is that both make sense within the context of the story. In this world magic is more a science than anything else. I love it a lot and I just want the fandom to increase.

 

American Ghost Jack by Han Ji-hye. This one is a supernatural story with side humor and a possibility for romance. The main girl grew up helping with the haunted house that her family runs. Due to lack of customers the house is going to be destroyed. In order to save it she goes America to do a challenge of staying in a haunted house for a certain amount of time and get a cash reward. While she is in the house that she thinks is only fake haunded, but is really haunted, she is taking notes on all of the monsters and how she can add them to her family's house. It is kinda funny to see the monsters, who are pretty scary, just stare at this girl who just pokes them when they show up and mutters about how realistic they are.


	14. 7/29/2019

I hate it when they yell. I am so sick of it. My brother didn’t look like he was listening when dad was talking so dad flipped out and just stormed off. I thought that he was the adult here. 

Mom says that we should cut him some slack because we know how work is for him. I don’t get it though. Just because his fellow workers are about as useful as a moterboat in the fucking desert and as smart as a hydrogen atom is big. Just because work sucks for him means that I should let him off for yelling at me and making me want to cry?! I don’t think that I will ever understand that line of thought from her.

I am also sick of mom bringing up her shitty parents in every goddamn conversation involving feelings. Like I get it they were shit parents and even shitter people (why do we still visit them?), but I mean come on! 

I wish that I could just shout out everything that I have typed up to them, but truth be told I am scared to. I tell my friends some of this, but I don’t  think that I could ever tell all of this to a person that I can actually see the face of. That can see my face. I think that is the reason that I am typing and posting all of this instead of talking to someone about all of my issues. I don’t want to have to see someone look me in the eyes and see the way that their opinions of me change.

Mom and dad get so mad at me for wanting to be alone all the time. They think that I don’t love them. Mom and dad talk about when dad was a kid he would just sit out in his dad's garage and talk to him. Well guess what! I. Am. Not. Fucking. Him. There I said it. I want to spend time with them, but nothing that I want to do is really cohesive to spending time around people. I feel so guilty, but I just can’t help it. Being around people when I don’t want to feels like everything hurts and I just want to cry, but knowing that it will do you no good. I know that as soon as I get the chance when I am older I will be living alone. The pros outweigh the cons by miles.


	15. 8/7/2019

I am being forced to go with my Mom and Brother to see a movie. I know what you are thinking. Oh, boo hoo. You have to go see a movie and are getting to go out to eat. Your life is so miserable. I know that. I just am not interested in this particular movie and I do not want to sit through 2 to 3 hours of something that I don’t even like. I know that i am selfish. I can feel my tears threatening to spill over and I don’t even know why. I have nothing to be sad about. I am not sure if I have mentioned it before, but I have epilepsy. That is the reason that I am being forced to go to a movie that I don’t like. I am a KHR cloud goddamn it. I am so stupid and selfish. Why am I like this. Stupid goddamn brain. Why can’t I just want to spend time around people? Why is my brain such a piece of shit?

I try and measure my ability to do things in spoons. Maybe I should do it with pennies or something instead,. That might make more sense, but whatever. The point that I am trying to make is that everything that I do takes up pennies (I have decided to use pennies instead of spoons) and depending on what it is it my take up more than one. Some days I wake up with 7 million pennies or something like that and I can spend the whole day around my family and do shit with them. Make them happy. Most days though I am on the lower end of the spectrum. Today I have like 50 pennies at most. This stupid movie is going to take at least 15 of them and that is the minnium. I can sometimes gain back pennies, but that is very rare and I don’t think that today will be one of those times.

I am back from the movies. I was right. My brain was so done that I just fell straight to sleep. Now I know that it will take me forever to fall asleep tonight.

No recs tonight. Too lazy and drained of energy.


End file.
